Yana

age: 19
racial/ethnic identities: Chinese/Bulgarian
studies: Neuroscience and Philosophy at Harvard University
fun facts: I play violin and do martial arts!

My mom is Bulgarian and my dad is Chinese, and they're first generation immigrants. So I was the first child born in the US.

I think the first time I realized that I didn't really fit in was when I visited China in second grade. And I didn't really notice, but my mom pointed out that everyone was staring at me. Once she told me that, I started looking around, and I felt so self-conscious, because I was tall, I had brown hair, and I just didn't look completely Chinese. And I think that's when I started to feel uncomfortable with my identity as someone who's biracial. I think it became a lot more evident when I went to Bulgaria because Bulgaria is really homogeneous. It's mostly white. I've been going there every year since I was born. I really felt like I stood out because there were two Asians in the town where my cousins live. So people would always kind of refer to me as the Asian girl or the Japanese girl, apparently they thought I look Japanese. And they would always comment on my eyes, in a good way, they'd compliment me and say that they really liked my eyes because they were so different. But that just made me feel kind of objectified and labeled as someone who doesn't really belong.

I would walk around town and everyone would know me, it was a very small town, but everyone knew me because I was the granddaughter of the woman who is the first woman in her family to leave that town. And her daughter married a Chinese man, which was crazy, my mom was met with a lot of kind of questioning, especially from her father when she decided to marry a Chinese man. And even now, there's this stereotype that it's usually white men who marry Chinese women. So whenever I tell people I'm half Chinese and half Bulgarian, they automatically assume that my father is Bulgarian and my mom is Chinese. And when I tell them the opposite, they're really surprised. And they don't apologize or think there's anything wrong with their assumption. But it makes me uncomfortable, because it's a stereotype that's based on the fact that there are many white men who fetishize people of different races, especially Asian women. Living with these stereotypes has been uncomfortable at some points.

I think as I grew older, I became a little bit more comfortable with my identity, because I was able to vocalize this and meet other people, especially after going to Harvard, meet other people who have the same struggles. So it's nice to know that other people felt the same way. I think the biggest part has been internalizing the fact that I'll never truly belong in either country. And that is frustrating. But I guess it's just the fact. Ultimately, I'm really happy with my identity. I'm really glad that I get to experience two cultures that are so diverse, and growing up and being able to celebrate Chinese holidays and practice Bulgarian traditions, I think that's a super big part of my identity. And I never want to identify as just white or just Asian, although people will look at me and be like, “oh, you're Asian,” or “oh, you're white”. No, I'm both and I'll always identify with both.

I think being an American plays a really big part of my identity as well, especially when I go to Bulgaria. In Bulgaria, being American is kind of a big deal. My younger cousin wanted to have American pancakes. And when she tried it, she hated it. But she forced herself to like it. She just thinks that she's supposed to like it because it's American. She loved getting clothes from me from America and things like that. And I think what was strange is actually when, and I realized this now, is when I went to Bulgaria and people were looking at me differently because I was half Asian, I clung to my American identity more. So people would say, “you're Asian.” I'd be like, “no, I'm American.” Because as soon as I said I'm American, people would be like, “oh my God, that's so cool. Tell me about America.” And it was a way for me to cope with the fact that in Bulgaria, it seemed as if being Asian was bad. And I think that was something that was really ingrained in me. And I can tell that now. Because now when people ask me where I'm from, I don't say America. I say that I'm half Bulgarian and half Chinese. And it's kind of sad to think about the fact that when I was younger, I would subjugate my Chinese culture and say, “No, I'm American,” because that was seen as better. And I think it really shows how much I internalized the struggles of being in both countries and not really fitting in.

It's tough to think about the fact that that's how I grew up, and I grew up not really valuing my identity, especially my Chinese side, just because I didn't have that much exposure to it. And even today, I struggle a bit identifying as half Chinese. I'm proud to be Chinese. But sometimes I feel like I'm not that connected to my Chinese culture and I'm not Chinese enough. It's just been hard to embrace both parts of my identity. I've always struggled with it. And I think it's something I will always struggle with. Especially since there's so many people who aren't mixed, who are just very curious about what it's like to be mixed. I think even that in itself makes me so uncomfortable. Because it feels like they're fetishizing the fact that I'm mixed, you know, you hear how mixed race babies are so beautiful. Or, “you're racially ambiguous, that’s so cool.” Or even hearing, “That's so cool, you're half Asian, half white”, “how did your parents meet”, or things like that. There’s just this fascination with my cultures, which I think is well intentioned, I think people are curious, but even that makes me uncomfortable. Because in the past, I was set apart from others. When people ask me about my cultures, and even now when they want to know more, I just feel a little bit on edge. Because I'm like, why? When you tell me you're half Irish, half German, I'm not like, Oh my god, that's so cool, where are your parents from? It just feels like there's this double standard where people who are mixed are set apart from others. And I think that's very much linked to fetishization and even some discrimination.

I don't understand why you have to make assumptions about my racial identity. Is that the first thing that you see when you look at me? Why do we look at people and instantly want to figure out what their race is? It just makes it seem that by doing so you're figuring out how you're going to approach them and treat them. And I think that's fundamentally wrong. That's why I feel like people don't have bad intentions when they ask those questions. It's rooted in discrimination and they just don't realize that. As someone who's mixed, I feel more comfortable asking other people who are mixed about their identity, because I'm not doing it to objectify you or get down to the bottom of your identity. I'm capable of asking those questions because they're not coming from a place of investigation, it’s more coming from a place of curiosity because I just want to find people who I can connect to.

What do you think is going on when famous people strive to be “racially ambiguous”?

I think that's actually one of the worst things that people can do to [mixed race people]. They're just picking parts because they think those are cool. Especially people who are famous and seen as attractive, they're taking parts of cultures because they can and people will praise them for it. I didn't choose my eyes. I'm sorry that you don't have them. But you can't take them from me [talking about the cat eyes trend]. And you can't take Black hair and you can't take the Chinese dress, why are you wearing that? It just makes me so frustrated because people think they can do that. And they can only do that because they're privileged. I can't get rid of certain parts of my body and there's certain parts of my face and my identity that I've struggled with, because other people see them and they're like, oh, you're different. In Bulgaria people knew I was different because of my eyes. And even now, people say, “I know you're different because you're racially ambiguous”. And different could have both a negative and positive connotation, but it's still different. And then people who are famous are praised for doing so. They're not seen as different, they're seen as beautiful. And I don't know why people don't really question it. People don't understand what's wrong with it. I think lots of people say, “Oh, no, it's cultural appreciation,” which I hate. I think cultural appreciation is so rare and you don't need to wear a traditional Chinese dress to appreciate my culture. That's just an excuse for stealing from people's cultures. That’s something that's so generally accepted in our society. Because most people who praise these people are white and don't have to struggle with being mixed or being not white.

It creates this dissonance in my identity, because I love being half Chinese and half Bulgarian. I don't love having to defend my culture every day. And I wish I didn't have to do that. And sometimes when I don't, it feels like I'm letting people degrade my culture. And so there's a struggle of having to constantly be the person to make people more aware and less ignorant and stand up for people of your own race. But it's tiring, and you don't feel like doing it all the time. And it shouldn't. And it feels like it's my responsibility, although it really shouldn't be, I think all people should hold others accountable.

What advice would you give to a young mixed race kid?

I think that I wouldn't want them to force themselves to fit in, because I tried to do that. And then a lot of that becomes internalized. That just fragments your identity even more. You just have to stay true to yourself. It's very cliché, but you have to learn to appreciate both parts of your identity and know that one day you will find the balance, it's just really hard because the people around you don't want you to do that. They want to split you into two parts, but you're not two parts. I am biracial, but I’m not two different races. I'm a combination of them.