Taylor
age: 27
racial/ethnic identities: HAPA – Japanese/white
career: video editor
currently living: san francisco
originally from: hawaii
fun facts: never feels thirsty, finished college at 20, prefers watershakes (a milkshake but with water)
My mom's from Hawaii, she's full Japanese, and my dad's white. And they met in Chicago. My parents told me recently that when they decided to get married and got pregnant, they had this discussion about where [they were] going to raise mixed race kids. This was the late 80s, early 90s, when they started having kids. And they said that there were only three cities in the US at the time where they felt comfortable having mixed race kids, where they could raise children without having to worry how they would be perceived. They decided it was either going to be Hawaii, San Francisco, or I think maybe LA. So I grew up in Hawaii, and the majority of people are Asian or white. And it’s really common in my generation [to be mixed], there's a lot of mixed race kids.
The biggest thing that hit me with this realization [that I was different] was I dated this white guy. And he fetishizes Asian women, he will only date Asian women. And I've never experienced that before. At the time I was dating him, I would give him shit about it. I'd say, “you've literally only dated Asian women. You're a creep. That's weird.” And then he would always say, “It's just my preference. It's just a preference.” I don't even know why I was dating this guy when I look back on it. But the saddest thing is that when we broke up, we broke up because he was one of those typical guys, didn't want to commit. And then, during the breakup, I was really bummed out and feeling self-conscious. I thought he doesn't want to date me because I'm not Asian enough. I don't fit his Asian fetishization. I'm only half Asian, and he likes to date full Asian women. He was dating a full Asian woman before me. He's dating a full Asian woman after me. And I'm not good enough. I'm not Asian enough. I've never had such low self-esteem in that respect.
And then I started thinking about it. And I realized, oh, I've felt this feeling before, of not being enough and not being Asian enough. And it actually is, it's much more. It's very minute, but it happens in my day to day life all the time, where I don't feel like I'm enough – I'm not a good Asian person, or I'm not a good Japanese person because I don't know – if I'm at a restaurant, and a friend asked me oh, what kind of sushi is that, negitoro? And then I can't remember what that translates to. And I've never taken Japanese, I don't know Japanese, but I've just had Japanese around me my whole life, the language. And so I would just take something stupid like that and be really hard on myself and think, I'm such a shit Japanese person that I don't know that random word. I can't translate that. Even though I don't know Japanese. I don't know why I have this standard for myself. One of the first things people ask me when they find out that I'm from Hawaii and I'm Japanese, [is] “Oh, do you speak Japanese?” And it just makes me feel lame that I don't really know. And I don't know why that even matters. I didn't grow up in Japan. So why does it matter? It doesn't.
And I find that I'm always over explaining or preemptively explaining myself to people when no one's asked. I'm trying to lean into being Japanese because I feel like I'm not considered a real Japanese person. I've been told that by friends. Not maliciously, but they'll make a joke and say, “Well, yeah, but you're not actually Asian, you're a wannabe Asian.” I have friends who are from China or actually from Japan. And then I kind of look Asian, and I am by blood, but I'm not real. So they'll say things like that and it'll be deeply, quietly hurtful, right? But I don't have anything to say back because yeah, you're not wrong. I'm pretty white, I'm Western as fuck.
I can't pick a side really, right? I was actually just talking about this with my Hawaiian friend. And our friends [from Hawaii] are mixed. And she goes, “I think a lot of our friends pick a side and they lean into that side. Like Erica leans into her Japanese side, Asia leans into being white. And then you Taylor, you kind of don't do either. You're kind of just mixed and you don't pick a side.” So I kind of think this is my life. I'm gonna question it for a while.
The white race has a really bad rap. They're colonizers. When have they done good things? I'm more embarrassed of my white side. And that's why I'm constantly wanting validation from other Asian people that I'm Asian, because I don't really want to be associated with my white side. I have this disdain for white culture, but I am white. And so that's a big clashing. How can I like my white side? When it's so bad? It’s reckoning our whiteness with our wokeness.
I don't want to say I'm a minority/person of color experiencing those problems, because I'm kind of white passing sometimes. Or it depends on whoever's looking at me if they think I'm white passing. I don't consider myself a minority. I have racial dysmorphia, that's what I've called it my whole life. I think that I'm a white person, I feel like it and I have the privilege of a white person. And that's why I don't consider myself to be Asian and a person of color.
Growing up in Hawaii, I was the majority. In high school, my friend group was a bunch of other HAPA kids. And then everyone else was mostly Asian at my school. So they called us the whities, they called us the whities because we were half white. I feel like I'm white because I grew up in a place where I was always called white. So that's why I feel like it's not my place to speak about discrimination. And I don't call myself – I don't feel like a POC. I feel like I'm lying if I lumped myself in with that.
That's okay, though. I think that also speaks to the limits of language. The label “POC” obviously does not encapsulate your experiences and so many other people's experiences.
Yeah, that's what it is. The word is limiting. And that's why I don't feel like I can label myself as that.
Do people ever ask you what you are? Do they ever question your identity?
In Hawaii? No. But then when I come to the mainland, I'd get the the odd random cab driver or something. And I have friends who find it really insulting. I could be kind of grossed out and annoyed. But I more think, yeah, I know. You're wondering what I am. Because I'm sooo good looking. I assume, or why else would people be asking? It isn’t because [they] see it as a negative thing. I don't think they're like, “you are so fugly. I need to know what you are so I don't cross breed and make the same thing.” [laughs]
Yeah, I guess I never thought about it as a compliment.
It's a poor compliment. They just don't know how to express themselves. But they're asking because they're intrigued. If they ask it in a curious way then I'm thinking, “Hah, I get it, you think I’m hot, I get it!!” [we both laugh]
The biggest thing about being mixed race is being able to have two different cultures. And then largely, it's just what you look like. That's really it, because aside from that, you're just any other human and, and so physically, being HAPA is just so sweet. Mixed people are gorgeous. I think it's amazing. I find it so special. My day to day is: oh my God, my hair is so cute. My face is so cute. I've got freckles. I love it.
