Lily

racial identities: Diné (Navajo), Southern Ute, and Black

fun facts: I have a TikTok platform of about 200k and I sell crocheted items online :)

Would you mind telling me a little bit about your family, your parents, and growing up?

My mom is fully Indigenous. My dad is half Black, half Native. Growing up, it was hard with my Indigenous background and identity because I don't speak my own language. And that's not really my fault. My grandparents on my mom's side were put in boarding school. So they weren't allowed to speak their language, they had to cut their hair, they were given white names. And they were terrified of that happening again. So they never taught my mom how to speak the language; she could understand it, but she couldn't speak it. I do speak it a little bit from my classes that I've taken. But it's not passed down from generation to generation, which is really sad. And I know there's a lot of urban Natives that don't speak their own language. And it's not our fault. It's a result of certain systems that were put in place to get rid of Natives, "kill the Indian save the man". So that was really hard for me to overcome. And for my mom to overcome as well, she also dealt with imposter syndrome growing up. We both wish that we could speak our own language freely. And it's hurtful. And it just goes into that whole thing of generational trauma, what affects my grandparents, is still affecting me now.

My parents were first generation college students, my mom is a woman engineer, she's a woman in STEM, she's so cool. She was in the first generation [from her family] to go to college, and so is my dad, my dad actually went to Stanford, which was insane for him to be a first generation college student and go to Stanford. So really inspiring. My parents are very cool people, very inspiring people.

I went to predominantly white schools for all of my education. I think that caused me to struggle a lot with my racial identity, to come to terms with it. I had a really long period of time where I didn't find myself beautiful, I didn't find myself attractive. Persons of color are not the beauty standard anywhere, not in white high schools, white middle schools, white elementary schools. So not feeling beautiful because of the standards that already exist was something I had to really overcome. I had to perceive myself as beautiful, see myself as valid as a person of color, because I felt whitewashed growing up. And I wanted to be white-washed in a way, wanted to be white and just trying to fit in. That's what kids are doing anyway going into high school, just desperately trying to fit in. And when you don't fit the beauty standard, when you don't fit what everybody else looks like, it's very hard to come to terms with who you are as a person. It causes a lot of imposter syndrome. I did become more comfortable with my racial identity as an Indigenous person. As a person who has Black heritage, it is [still] very hard for me. I dealt with a lot of imposter syndrome. I'm a quarter Black, but I'm not Black presenting at all. And it took me a long time to accept that part of my heritage. And being Indigenous I grew up off the reservation, so I felt like I wasn't Native enough.

How do you think your relationship to your racial identities has changed as you've gotten older?

Growing up, and even just the beginning of high school, I really wanted to be white, or I'd use whatever racial identity I had to try to advantage myself by making racist jokes at myself, "pick me minority" type of thing, to try and get friends. It's how I'd win friends. I'd be a comedic relief for white comfort, for white pleasure. And now I don't do that. That's ridiculous. I'm really proud of who I am. I'm really proud of being Indigenous, of being Black, I'm really proud of that heritage, and it's something I try to talk about and enjoy talking about. And obviously there's still days where I deal with imposter syndrome. I deal with days where, wow, wouldn't it be great to be white today. But I feel like I have a better relationship with my racial identity, and feel comfortable labeling myself as Indigenous and Black and being able to own who I am in that identity, and be able to just grow in it. I'm still growing. I think for me, the beginning of high school, I think I was passively Native. But now that I've grown a little bit older, a lot of my TikToks talk about being Indigenous, about what the Indigenous experience is like. I do Indigenous activism. I'm currently working on a project called People Not Mascots. And it's to get rid of Native mascots across the country. So I think for me right now, it's gone from me being passively Native and using it to my advantage in certain situations, making minority jokes, to activism and to being able to really accept who I am in my racial identity.

Do people ever ask you what you are or where you're from?

Being Indigenous is not common, we make up 2% of the population. So people are always asking me what I am or telling me what I am. I'll be like, “Oh, yeah, I'm Native and Black.” They're like, “No, you're not. You're Hispanic. You have European features. You're part white.” But I'm not, I'm not white at all and the people will say, "well you look white to me," because I think there's a whole thing with equating white to attractive. So people who perceive me as attractive just assume that I have white characteristics, white traits, which is very frustrating. I tell people I'm part Black and people are like, "Oh, wait, why isn't your hair curly?" 

It really is telling of how small people's perception of persons of color are because they equate identifying yourself with certain characteristics, like you can't identify Black if you don't have curly hair, you can't identify Black if you don't have big lips or other typical Afro-centric features. I think it really is a display of how white people perceive persons of color, and they just place them into these little boxes. I mean, I've been told that I have Asian eyes. And I think that people forget that many persons of color have slender eyes, and they equate slender eyes with being Asian, because they perceive all Asians as having small eyes. So I think that is something that I've had to deal with.

I think there's also such misrepresentation of Indigenous people in the media, and with people who aren't Indigenous people playing Indigenous people on movies and television screens. People don't know what we look like. We’re so diverse in tribes and cultures. There's no one way to look Indigenous, because there's so many tribes across America. When you don't fit into that little box they see in their head, they immediately think you’re lying or not being transparent about what you really are, which is ridiculous.

I should just be able to identify as Native and Black and not have people question what percentages because culturally that is how I grew up. For people to tell me that I can't identify a certain way because I don't have a certain blood percentage is very dehumanizing. It cuts people up into little circles, I think it's very hard for mixed people to come to terms with their identity, because people are always telling them what they look like, what they don't look like, how they should identify how they shouldn't identify based upon blood percentages. It's very hard to find your identity. I don't want to be seeming like it's a flex that I identify as Black. I want it to be a part of how I am culturally. But I also want to accept the fact that I'm not Black passing, I don't experience Black oppression in America. The world doesn't perceive me as Black and I shouldn't act as such, that's ridiculous. But also, I should be able to own that part of my heritage. Because when you think about a quarter of a person, that's kind of a lot of who you are. For people who aren't half and half mixed, I think it's very hard for them to find where they align, and where their identities align. And it's really interesting. And it's been something that I'm still trying to figure out. You just want people to perceive you the way you perceive yourself.

What are some of the positives about being mixed race?

I like being able to partake in two different cultures. I think it's really cool. I can go over to the reservation, and I feel more comfortable with the reservation because I spent more time there, identify more culturally Indigenous over being Black. But also I have a bunch of Black family in Louisiana. And it's really fun to go over there. They don't exclude me or my family for not looking Black, they're really accepting of our family. So whenever we have family reunions in Louisiana, it's really fun, because I just focus so much on being Indigenous and feeling comfortable in that identity that sometimes I almost intentionally neglect my Black side. So it's very exciting for me to partake in that and to feel comfortable in that without white pressure of feeling the need to act more Indigenous, because I feel like white people want you to fit in a certain cubby hole because they can't actually comprehensively understand you being fully two things. So it's really fun to go out and feel comfortable in your identity or feeling comfortable in both identities.

I think [being mixed] adds into my activism. I think they get special insight on persons of color unity, and the intersectionality that comes with it. I think that's a beautiful part of being mixed.

Any advice for young mixed girls?

You don't need other people to make you feel beautiful. The world is always going to tell you that you're not the standard. But that doesn't mean that you're not beautiful, that you're not valid and intelligent and smart. And important. And I would tell her that I actually I feel like the more that I grew to love my identity, I actually feel like I actually became beautiful, I became in love with myself as a person of color more. And I felt like I looked more beautiful as I grew in my activism. And as I grew in that entire identity, I wish I could tell her, you know, you will feel more beautiful and important once you accept this part of you.